zzz. i,m thinking about life again.

Or maybe my insecure side is surfacing again.
This time its about my mom.
Am i expected to live with her after my stepfather dies?
I mean i know i cant live with her.
I can get along with her but i just cant live with her.

Shes not the kind of person whom can tolerate my guitar playing , my saxaphone playing , my coming home late frequently , she,ll probably go crazy if she knew that i drink almost everynight. ( i have a bottle of vodka at home and its become a habit of mine to mix a cup of vodka with fruit juice or ribena and have a drink to end my day )

I cant live with someone who cant tolerate me playing my guitar.
My mom is the kind of person who sleeps at 10pm EVERYNIGHT ( save rare occasions )
She is a routine machine.
Everyday she wakes up at 7.00am makes a cup of coffee , takes a shower does her makeup and leaves the house at 8.00am
She reaches work at 8.30 , gets off at 6.00pm.
Reaches home t around 7.30-8.00pm
Showers and does her stuff till 9.00pm watch her show till 10pm and goes to sleep.
On saturdays she wakes up at 6.00am to go to the market. She comes home around 9.oo-10.00 and reads the paper or watches some TV.
Then , she makes lunch and cleans the house.
She takes a nap at around 3pm and wakes up at 5.30pm to make dinner.
She spends the night with my stepfather maybe watching TV or smth and sleeps at 10pm.

On sundays she wakes up at 7.00am and goes jogging with my stepfather.
They have breakfast and return home to shower and bathe. Then , they go out to wherever for lunch and some shopping.
They might have dinner outside and basically just a chill day for her.
Sleeps at 10pm , wakes up on monday , rinse and repeat.


My mom disapproves of me playing the guitar.
I mean whenever i ask her to come see me play or when i express my excitement about getting a new pedal or smth. She,ll tell me that she doesnt approve.
Thankfully , she also tells me that she realizes that she cant do anything about that so she just has to take it in her stride. Nevertheless , she doesnt approve.

Just imagine. I usually practice my guitar around 9pm and depending on the amount of free time and mood i have , it might stretch all the way till 2am.
Its noisy. She will freak.

But thats not the point.
My stepfather is old. Face it. He has AT LEAST a 10year age gap from my mom.
He is ( touchwood , and i,m not cursing him ) definitely gonna die first.
So then my mom will be all alone.

My Dad and stepmom are having a baby.
So does that mean i,m supposed to go back to her?
I got kicked out of the house in secondary 2. Thats why i went to stay with my dad.
Sure i was a bastard back then but still i dont want to go back there.
It doesnt feel like my home down there. Its like i,m entering someone elses house and i cant be at ease.

But then , its about whether i should Do what makes me happy or do what is right.
I would like to do what is right but what if doing whats right eats at the expense of my own happiness.

Back at home.
When the new baby comes out. Wheres he/she gonna live?
I need my personal space. I would be cool with helping to look after the kid but i wouldnt be too cool with sharing my room with him/her.
Things would make sense if we moved to a bigger house but i,m not sure if we can.
I think i should talk to my dad about this.

I,m still living in the past when it comes to the band.
I mean i still see andrew and jarvis but i gotta realize that i wont be playing music with them anymore.
I feel kinda sad.
I mean the initial reaction was. " Ok..yea i kinda expected that "
But now like things are sinking in and i,m regretting a lot of things now.
It kinda sucks ya. To have members going.
Yirun dude. You,re gonna go to army in june i think?
You,re not gonna leave us too?

I mean it sucks you know.
In school i bonded with my IG and then they broke us up into classes.
Now i,ve bonded with my class as well. BUT we,re probably gonna split again once the results are out...
Wthell. I,ve had enough of this parting ways kinda thing.
Or maybe i just need to grow up.